I must say, it really was a strange experience, to send out such intimate details to the universe. I hope you laughed, and maybe even found solace that at least there’s someone even more screwed up than yourself. Please don’t take offence to that. I only say it because it’s what we generally do well, beat ourselves up. [… read full post]

Why is this so difficult? Usually I don’t think twice. Why is my conscience so fucking self righteous today? Or, could it be a sign, a sign I’ve grown, matured, a sign signalling change, positive change. I should honour this thought by throwing these pills in the bin. The bin is just there, literally four meters away, but, but my coffee is just here, literally within arms reach. It would be easier to throw these pills in my mouth instead, washing it down with coffee, coffee that would now be the perfect temperature for such a task. [… read full post here]

To balance the scales, is this my cure? Should I be surprised? Staying busy does ward off depression. Busy writing, busy gaming, busy gardening, busy fucking, all of it, moments of reprieve, but that’s all it is, brief moments, like a drowning man’s gasps of air, it’s very much welcomed, it keeps me alive, but fuck, I’m still drowning, I will be submerged again. Could it be that my Noah’s Ark, my salvation from this ocean of doom, is found in one word, retribution? [… read full post]

At least if people understood, that would provide some consolation, but people are just so fucking stupid, and worse, so so unappealing, devoid of any substance, lacking any noble traits, absent in any selfless struggle, removed from any reflection that does not serve their self-interest, missing anything even closely resembling a spine that would enable both courage and principle, all signalled by the vacancy in their eyes, and a barrenness in their essence, where the only activities held on this desolate plain unjustly described as their soul, are shallow blind obsessions, obsession with wealth, serving material pleasures and infatuations, obsession with status, feeding insatiable ego’s, and this fucking obsession with romantic love, that seeks to indulge this ungrateful, selfish, needy, pathetic heart, unable to beat by itself, without the need of holding someone’s hand. Such flimsy obsessions, destined to abandon its slaves, over and over again, yet still, each placed on pedestals, foolishly worshipped as gods. [… read full post]

I’m hoping however that my poker face is concealing most of my emotions, but if I’m honest, I do feel my utter disgust in people is constantly waging war against my will, a war fought on the surface of my face, and if I’m brutally honest, I know it’s a coin toss as to who wins those battles. I really need to address this. I always felt it unwise to wear your heart on your sleeve. The heart is behind the rib cage for a reason. Feelings need to be hidden, protected, otherwise you’re just begging to be manipulated. No. Not me. I will do the manipulating thank you very fucking much. […read full post]